I wrote this in November and never published it. Oddly enough, the emotions are still just as strong as when I first penned it...

This morning while walking to the train I started reminiscing. I started thinking about the things that I try so hard not to think about and made myself sad. Sad because there are so many things I'd hoped to accomplish by now and haven't. The most disappointing/disheartening thing is the lack of my own family. Every day I log onto Facebook I am inundated with pictures, status updates, notes, and links to news about this one's engagement or that one's new baby on the way. I've gone an extraordinary amount of time pretending that I am not bothered by the fact that I am alone w/ no prospect of ever engaging in any sort of long-term relationship and it's all my damn fault. In the past *mumble*4*mumble* years, I've messed up two substantial opportunities for what could have been something...more. Do I think either of these people were my "meant to be"? Who knows? I do know that I miss what I shared with each of them immensely and would give my left pinky toe to feel an inkling of what I felt then again. The funny thing about both situations is that each one lacked what the other had in abundance.

First, there's B. I met B online...I know, shut up. I didn't meet him for the express purpose of falling for nor dating. We actually met through a website of a mutual interest. I actually met B at a rather low point in my life. I was reeling from the breakup w/ my high school boyfriend as well as the dissolution of friendships that I thought were lifelong. B & I would talk nearly daily about everything under the sun. He became one of my most trusted confidants, honestly. I shared with him all of my thoughts, feelings, etc no holds barred. Part of the reason I was able to open up to him so much was because I knew it was going nowhere in a romantic sense. I lived in Chicago, he in NYC. It wasn't possible logistically.

Nevertheless, I considered him one of my closest friends. Eventually though, true to form, I began to fall for him. It wasn't until we'd been friends for years that I opened myself to the "what ifs" and thought about him romantically. We'd met a few times and though I wasn't attracted to him physically, I really liked this dude. Like REALLY. We were exchanging 143s and everything. In the back of my mind however, there was always a nagging little thought about how things seemed to be a bit too...good. I thought it was me being me and always being skeptical of people. I have hella trust issues, no shade.

But, then little things that I'd initially brushed off started to bother me. He also started becoming a bit withdrawn and distant. Initially I thought it was because of some turmoil that was happening in his personal life, so I gave him space. That space allowed me some time to really reflect on my feelings for him and what I thought about our relationship. As much as I would have liked things to progress and grow between us, they just couldn't. One of the things I value most is honesty. He knew this from day one. Lies that seemed like non-issues at the time that I discovered their duplicity became troublesome. The fact that he could tell "white lies" and think that since I wouldn't find out about them I would be okay with it boggled my mind. So during that break, I got so fed up that I committed a grave sin of blogging, haha. I had sent him an email expressing that I didn't think we could be friends anymore and it was met with no response so I posted a letter to him on my blog dismissing him from my life. Ohhhhh the immaturity of me 2 years ago. LMAO. I was UP and SET, hahaha. Especially because I felt like I wasted so much time & energy on someone who didn't even care enough to say "Fuck you, bitch" if he felt that I was lashing out at him unjustly.

After B, I was cool on giving my heart to anyone. Figured it'd be better for me to roll through life solo dolo & be aight.

Then there was J. I met him while I was still in deep w/ B. We worked together at my part-time that I held during undergrad. I was instantly attracted to him. Like BADLY. I never acted on it though because a) I'm not forward & 2) had no idea if he even was attracted to me in any way. Well imagine my surprise when he asked me for my number one day. Then imagine my surprise even further when he never used it. {-__-} Well in my last semester of undergrad, I quit the PT gig (because I was in school 4 hrs away & driving back home to work was more stressful than fruitful) so I had no chance of seeing him again.

Well, as fate would have it (el oh effing el), we reconnected via MySpace, exchanged numbers (again), and made plans to hang out the next time I visited home. Apparently, he was attracted to me while we worked together, but I seemed standoffish so he never said anything. There was no talk of relationship, commitment, boyfriend/girlfriend and I was in heaven. After a while though, we began smashing pretty much every time I was at home.

Never thought I'd be having NSA sex, but I wasn't completely mad at it at all. The shit was good & regular & what I thought I needed at the time. For one reason or another though, it eventually fizzled. Then I moved to California. I got a call from him on my birthday, randomly when I lived out there. That was nice considering that we hadn't talked for a while so he didn't even know that I moved. California was a bust for me & I ended up moving back home. We reconnected (onc'st again) and resumed our prior smashlationship. Things were a bit different this time though. I couldn't *quite* put my finger on what had changed though. Then there was that random text from him that I got talmbout I love you. Say whaaaa? Ummmmmmm... :-| At first I brushed it off, but then asked him if I was the intended recipient. I think he kinda got offended that I'd asked that. {o_0} It was indeed intended to be sent to me. Welp, the L Word sent me running faster than Gail Devers in the opposite direction of him.

From time to time though, I find myself thinking of both B & J. Wondering what I could have done differently to have different results. Playing the "what if" game. Toying with the idea of calling, texting, emailing, sending smoke signals to reconnect. Knowing that's a bad idea, but contemplating nonetheless. And this tendency to reminisce is probably most detrimental. It's like only my pause & rewind buttons work. I need to learn to press play & get back into the game.

It's so hard though. Mainly because I've been out of it so long that I don't even know where to begin.

x-posted from tumblr...

One of my least favorite topics of discussion is religion for the following reasons:

- Those who are deeply entrenched in church, mosque, temple, Kingdom Hall, any place of worship always feel the need to preach AT you in order to help you see the light.

- Those who are deeply against church, mosque, temple, Kingdom Hall, any place of worship always feel the need to preach AT you in order to keep you from being ensnared by manmade salvation.

It’s a catch-22, whichever way you slice it. And for me who is neither vehemently for or against religion, it almost always ends up with trying to explain myself & my views. I am a person whose greatest fear is being misunderstood, so I go to great lengths to make sure that I am being as clear as possible when broaching any subject. Today though, I just about gave up.

So I was on FB minding my own, when a status came up asking people their thoughts on Tyla n’em’s…erm excuse me Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls adaptation. My response was the following:

Honest opinion: It was just aight.

I am IN LOVE w/ Ntozake Shange’s “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf”. It is probably one of the most influential pieces of literature I’ve read in my life. When I heard that Tyla n’em were adapting it for the big screen, I collapsed to my knees asking the Lord why? Ok well maybe not *that* dramatic, but I most certainly cussed whoever made it possible for him to be the one to do this adaptation. I heard Nzinga Stewart was also attached to the project, so I saw a little bit of hope in an otherwise bleak situation.

Then I remembered every Tyler Perry film that I’ve seen (the Why Did I Get Marrieds & The Family That Preys) and got worried all over again. Tyler has a flare for the melodramatic & heavy-handed preaching and I didn’t want FCGWHCSWtRIE to get that same treatment. Then we heard about the cast. I was elated by most of the choices, but gave a serious side-eye to some others. As much as I love Janet, the sis isn’t a profound actress. And Mariah Carey? As the woman in Orange? LAWD JESUS HOLD MY MULE. Then Mariah got replaced & I thought, “Ok, Tyler has the capacity to do something major here. Please don’t fuck it up.”

After viewing the contrived storylines that he wove around the poetry, I found myself being torn between loving the way the poems were intertwined and hating the way he turned the characters from strong women into downtrodden gals who were worked over by the men in their world. I think that it’s hard for a Black man to accurately portray the nuances of Black womanhood without making a man the central focus.

I said a lot up there that could possibly be construed as offensive, but do you know the next person who commented purposely singled out one line (Tyler has a flare for the melodramatic & heavy-handed preaching…) and then proceeded to preach at me that I was wrong for saying that Tyler shouldn’t preach to the audience in his films and then goes on to speak about the necessity of God.

Girl. Hontea. Chile. Miss. Ma’am. This ain’t that & that ain’t this!

Wherever did I say that the inclusion of God (& by extension church, prayer, etc) was unnecessary? Furthermore, as I express my opinion, who are you to come in and tell me that it’s wrong? Reading is certainly fundamental. As much as I hate generalizations & painting a group of people w/ one brush stroke, zealots like this irk the hell outta me. So of course, I had to let her know that when I talked about preaching, I was referring to Tyler’s tendency to beat a point into one’s brain much like the pummeling of a dead horse. He wouldn’t know subtlety even if it came up, tapped him on the shoulder, & screamed “HAAAAAAY AHM SUBTLETY!”

Her response to that? Preaching at me once-st again. *sigh* Jesus be some sense for the religiculous people walking the Earth.

i may be jobless very soon.

my car is breaking down.

my savings is nonexistent.

i have no other job options waiting in the wings.

a total mental meltdown is eminent.

i'm scared shitless.

how are you?

The title of this is a misnomer, honestly. I had a different path in mind when I began this entry, but my mind decided to go somewhere else with it. Too lazy to change the title, I stuck with the original one...sue me, heh.

I recently had dinner with two of my oldest friends, Veepy & C-Squared *waves @ her* bc she reads this sometimes). C revealed that she's not NOT trying to have a baby with her significant other. This thrills me oh so much for a few reasons! A) She is one of my favorite people on Earth & I think she'd be a great mom. & 2) The prospect of being a "Te-te" is always makes me break out into my happy dance (aka the 1 legged butterfly).

Of course this leads to talk of children in general and when, if ever, myself & Veep would pump out some. Veepy says that if she doesn't have them before 30, she isn't having any at all. I told her this was ridiculous. Women are having babies well into their 30s & 40s, but she thinks that for her 30 is the end all be all. #girlbye I'll continue trying to talk her out of this, haha. Clearly, she needs to have some bebes to be spoiled by Auntie J.

I'm not having kids. Yes, I am for real. No, I will not change my mind this time. No really, I won't. No my future mate (yeah, okay) won't be able to change my mindset on this. I'll find a man who doesn't want children biologically. If ever I get married/seriously booed up, I'd like to look into adoption as an option. No seriously, I won't change my mind. I'm not willing to adopt if I remain single for the rest of my days, though. I'll just be continue to spoil my little cousins, nieces, & nephews that are SURE to come from my huge family.

Honestly, motherhood scares the shit out of me. I fear it more than being touched by midget hands. I'm...ill-equipped. I'm really good at playing with children & buying them things that their parents refuse. When it comes to that whole maternal instinct thing? I'm seriously lacking. Not to say that I'd cause harm or allow a child to cause him/herself harm, but I'm just not very "mom-y".

I visited with The Biffles (& the Twins) last weekend and I was just in awe of how much of a mom she is. She handles both of the girls w/ the ease of someone who has been a mother for years & not two months. She's intuitive to the needs of her daughters and assuages their cries. Clearly it isn't easy to adjust to taking care of not only yourself (& husband to a certain extent), and two additional beings. She does it seemingly effortlessly. I honestly don't think I could do it. Bottom line, I just don't feel like I would be a good mother.

While we're on the subject (bc in my brain I can't have children if it's just me) I'm scared of everything that comes with being in a fully committed, monogamous relationship as well. Marriage scares the SHIT out of me. I can barely fathom being someone's girlfriend without effing it up. I know I've talked here about wanting to be married before, but honestly I think I just want a wedding. I never think past the actual wedding ceremony/reception. After giving it some though recently, I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm too lazy to be a wife. I don't like to clean, but I do it because I have to. I like to cook, but I'm a fan of quick recipes because too much time in the kitchen makes me break out into hives. Moms are supposed to teach their daughters how to be good wives, yes? My mom...didn't really...um...yeah. I'll just say I didn't have good examples of how a marriage should work when I was growing up.

Though, I'm scared, the desire to get married & have children is burning bright within me. I think it's the increased amount of friends and associates I see having babies and getting married that has me wishin' & hopin' & praying' & dreamin'. Then the practical side of me chimes in with all of the things that I mentioned above & I snap back to reality. Some people aren't cut out for marriage/children and I think I'm just one of those sort of people. Does it make me sad? At times, I can't lie. It's human nature to want close relationships, especially those of a romantic/familial nature. But, the risk of ruining someone's life is too great. I can't be held responsible for something so precious. I'd undoubtedly eff it up beyond all repair...

Hey y'all! I feel like this should be a regular feature as I keep coming across songs that make me say "Well if that ain't #hoshit, I dunno what is..." This is my 6th favorite Amy Winehouse song ever recorded*. This song...y'all, if there was a "Ho Shit in Lyrics" Hall of Fame, it would most certainly be inducted, post haste. The song in question is "I Heard Love Is Blind".


I couldn't resist him
His eyes were like yours
His hair was exactly the shade of brown
Hes just not as tall, but I couldn't tell


Innocent flirtation or something more? Amy starts off waxing poetic about how this man reminded her of the Boo. Oh, you got confused because they had similar features? Really, Amy? Was it his fraternal twin brother? A close cousin or other relative? Oh wait...nope. It's because...

It was dark and I was lying down

Hold fast. I'm sorry, whaaa? We all know dark & lying down = horizontal polka. She just goes right for the jugular. Doesn't ease into telling her boo that she cheated. Basically, he looked like you, I thought maybe it could be you, so I went ahead and dropped down & got my eagle on.

You are everything he means nothing to me
I cant even remember his name

Welp, there goes that "bumping uglies w/ a member of the Boo's family" theory from earlier. This was most definitely a stranger. Also, if your man is everything, why are you in these streets gettin' it in with every Tom, Dick, or Harry you run across, hrrrmmmmm?


Why you so upset?
Baby, you weren't there
And I was thinking of you when I came

Really?! You're questioning why your man is upset with you for cheating on him with some random stranger. Because everything about that situation seems like it's okay to you, huh? then...Then...THEN, you hit him with that last line which was equivalent to saying "Game. Set. & Match." re: your relationship. Smaaaaart...


What do you expect?
You left me here alone
I drank so much and needed to touch

Ah, here we go. Turning the tables. Yes, because you were sans your partner and drinking, it's perfectly feasible that you would end up falling into bed with a stranger. What the hell are you, a character from Grey's Anatomy?! Also, you miiiight wanna see someone about that drinking problem.


Don't overreact I pretended he was you
You wouldn't want me to be lonely

Bwahahaha! I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want you to be cheating on him either! #jusssayin


How can I put it so you understand?
I didn't let him hold my hand

Uh, I don't think he *will* understand, but you gon' head & try, doll. Oh. Okay. It was "just sex". There was no emotional attachment. Right. Got it. Never mind the fact that you attached your genitals to someone who wasn't your significant other whilst still in a relationship with him. Classy!

But he looked like you
I guess he looked like you
No he wasn't you

Well what was it, Ames? Did he look like yo' man or did he not? I'm thinking it's the latter. ;)


But you can still trust me, this ain't infidelity
Its not cheating; you were on my mind
Yes he looked like you
But I heard love is blind

*floating to the upper room*

============================================
*Amy Winehouse Top 10
1. "Tears Dry on Their Own" (The Motown-esque sound of this record sends me up!)
2. "Take the Box" (Saddest. Song. Ever! The high notes she hits near the end tho?!)
3. "Rehab" (Feel good song about a not so feel good subject)
4. "October Song" (Today, my bird flew away...YYAAASSSS!)
5. "Valerie" (This is another one w/ an old school flair that I <3)
6. "I Heard Love is Blind" (#hoshit)
7. "You Sent Me Flying" (Lent you Outsidaz and my new Baduuuu...C'MON AMY!)
8. "Fool's Gold" (Raw emotion)
9. "Back to Black"
10. "You Know I'm No Good"
Honorable Mentions: "Moody's Mood for Love", "Brother", "What It Is", "Love Is a Losing Game", "Some Unholy War"